In Honor of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month....

 A year after my loss, I decided it was finally time to share, not only help myself heal further, but help others who may have experienced or may be experiencing the same thing.  Warning, detailed triggers regarding loss to follow.

I started a blog a little over a year ago called "Fit Pregnancy Pursuit." Last spring started HIIT (High Intensity Interval Training) and a few months into my new active lifestyle, I found out I was pregnant. I decided that this time around I would not gain almost a third of my weight, I would work out hard and continue to stay strong throughout the nine months and document what I was going through to inspire others to stay healthy during their pregnancies.  I purposely kept the blog "private," planning to share it upon reaching the second trimester. After experiencing an early loss before I had my son, I just wanted to make sure everything was okay before blurting the news out into the webiverse. But since I preach the importance of documenting everything, I didn't want to be a shoemaker without any shoes and started my blog about my experience early on.

I distinctly remember one of my last posts.  I had been having a particularly rough day at the gym, feeling frustrated from nausea and annoyed that I wasn't able to "push it" like I had prior to that second little line showing up.  Later that same day, I got to see and hear my little one's heartbeat on an ultrasound.  Because my first miscarriage was a blighted ovum, I thought that seeing a strong heartbeat, even at only six weeks, was a sign that all was good, I felt a huge sense of relief and excitement about the next seven and a half months and beyond.  I still hadn't broken the news publically, but started planning for a big reveal at Thanksgiving, when the whole family would be together. I was just about ready to make my blog public.

Fast forward two weeks, I pulled out my handy home doppler that helped me keep my sanity during my first pregnancy, and I wasn't able to find a heartbeat.  Although I knew it was early, I still was disappointed I couldn't find it. A week later I decided to go into the OB because my symptoms had started to wain and that got me worried.

The doctor and I chatted, I mentioned that I had seen a good, strong heartbeat at six weeks and we talked about usual early pregnancy things. I requested an ultrasound, even though she said there probably wasn't anything to worry about.  To this day, I'll never forget the look on her face as she scanned my abdomen, first routinely, then desperately looking for something. I felt the tears start to form. I knew before she even uttered a word. My son, who had no idea I was even pregnant, inherently picked up on the mood in the room and came over to me with great concern. My heart dropped. My tiny baby had passed.

Prior to that appointment, I was unfamiliar with the term "missed miscarriage." I thought that miscarriages only meant cramping and spotting.  I never knew that the embryo could pass and I would have no idea. A google search of the term made me realize just how common they are.

The doctor took me back into the examination room and gave me the low down on my choices: misoprostol or a D&C. I was devastated, and without my husband by my side to help me take a step back and analyze, I was lost.  I knew that I didn't want to have any surgery right away, and luckily the on-site pharmacy didn't have any misoprostol in stock.  Making a decision at that exact moment was not necessary.  The doctor told me that waiting too long could cause an infection, and even though my baby had passed two weeks prior, I still had some time to do my own research.

Ultimately I chose to give my body the time to figure out what had occurred on its own, hoping that route would help me to more naturally conceive sooner.  I had to make an appointment for two weeks later and really hoped that my body would figure itself out by then.  The next two weeks were excruciating emotionally.  Having to tell the even the small group of people I had shared the news with was like opening up the wound over and over again.  Knowing that I was still carrying that little tiny body inside and my body not doing anything about it made me frustrated and angry.

I returned to the gym with a vengeance, hoping that all I had done to avoid a miscarriage in the previous weeks would help bring on the miscarriage.  I tried acupuncture, herbs, essential oils and supplements to help my body move things along. Every time my son would see me cry he'd respond with "oh no, not again." I'm sure it was difficult for him to see his mommy so upset, and despite my trying to explain to him how that comment made me feel, it was just too much a four year old to empathize with.

The "not knowing when" was almost as hard to deal with as the loss itself. I hoped I wouldn't be alone with my son when it happened or that I wouldn't be out in public. Then thankfully, as if my body knew it was safe to do so, on a Sunday morning, I started to feel uncomfortable cramping. Thankfully my husband was home and able to keep my son occupied, although unfortunately that meant that I would have to deal with the pain, both physical and emotional, all on my own. It was so much like labor, but without the beautiful, amazing gift at the end. I knew I could do it physically, as I had given birth to my son without any medication, but without the natural high of knowing the light at the end of the tunnel was a beautiful child, it was emotionally excruciating.

Once I knew that it was finally over, I felt a sense of relief, but also a sense of further loss, as I was suddenly all alone once again. The physical pain ended long before the emotional pain dissipated. Ultimately though, that too began to fade. All loss is difficult, all loss takes its toll. With every comment of "is he your only one?" and "when are you going to have another?" I felt the need to let that person know that I had experienced a loss, even if it meant opening up that wound all over again. With time I was able to reply with "I guess I'm just meant to have two rainbow babies." Finding the hope in all the negative was the start of moving on.  Finding a way to celebrate others' pregnancy announcement and be truly happy for them got easier as well.  I still find my thoughts sometimes turning to "what might have been," but choose to consciously stop them and be happy now for what will be as I move forward.

What About Those Moments that Cannot Be Captured on Film?

I recently read a lovely blog post from an empty nester's perspective on what should be documented past the usual first couple of years of milestones in a traditional baby book.  It got me thinking about what I already know I am going to miss as my little guy continues to grow.  And unfortunately, there are certain things that cannot be captured in a photo nor on video, so I realized that I am going to have to resort to a blog post in an attempt to try and capture feelings and emotions of those special times we share.

As my son is a full on toddler, the nursing relationship we now have is very different than when he used to nurse as a baby. It's no longer about nourishment, but provides us with a special quiet bonding time before and after sleep.  Whether it's reading a book before bed time, or when he's slowly waking up, these moments of just me and him are so very special for both of us. Sometimes I'll do something that will give him the giggles and I'll have to just keep doing it because I love that sound so much. We look each other in the eyes and just spend that time enjoying each others company without the rest of the day's distractions.

I am going to miss the time we spend playing silly games at home that have no rules or sometimes simply do not make any sense.  He likes to tell me "mommy go hide."  I'll quickly take off to one side of the house with him following close behind, laughing all the way.  We will do this over and over again because he finds it so entertaining.  I have tried to teach him the proper way to play hide-and-seek, but the concept of covering his eyes fully and not following me until he has counted to five still is beyond him.  The fact that he tells me exactly where to hide every time probably breaks all the rules of hide-and-seek as well. 

Even though watching the same movie over and over again can be somewhat redundant for an adult, I'll never get tired of seeing his smirk and the glint in his eyes when we both look at each other right before one of his favorite scenes is about to happen. If I happen to be in another room when it comes on, I definitely know what scene is happening based on his giggles and laughter.  He tells me "Xander find it funny," an expression he also uses for a certain book he likes me to read relentlessly.

Sometimes out of the blue he'll tell me "take my hand, mommy." Sometimes he'll ask while he is eating, or when he wants me to go with him to another room in the house, or sometimes it's to go down a big slide or climb up something at the park.  Holding that little hand in mine provides me comfort and joy, just as much as I know it does for him.  Along the same lines, he'll tell me "baby me, mommy," his terminology for when he wants me to carry him somewhere. Even though he is getting heavier and more difficult to carry, I'm sure he'll stop asking before I stop being able to do so.

I am definitely going to miss the surprise and pride I feel when my little toddler says a new word or phrase for the first time.  I'm sure there are going to be plenty of firsts throughout his life that will give me a similar feeling of pride, but there is something about hearing a word for the first time, probably miss pronounced, but said with such confidence and excitement.  I find myself having to repeat what he just said to let him know that I not only heard heard it, but want to encourage him to continue to expand his vocabulary on a daily basis.

Another thing that cannot be captured, that I know I will definitely miss, is the way my son wraps his arms around me and lays his head on my shoulder when I take his sleeping body out of the car.  There is such a sweet innocence and tenderness in his quiet, sleepy body that makes me want to hold him like that forever.  Even when I have been looking forward to nap time all morning in order to get some much needed chores done, I will try to hold onto that moment for as long as I can.

The "terrible-two's" really can be a trying time.  And as I've heard from others who have come before me, the wrath of a "three-nager" may leave me longing for a good 'ole two-year-old tantrum.  But there really are some wonderful moments right now that I wish to remember forever.  Hopefully the photos and videos I have captured, and journal entries I have made will at least document a fraction of the beauty that has been.  I have learned that looking forward to each new milestone is a surefire way to miss out on just how wonderful the "now" really is.

A Dedication to My Little Guy--Who Won't Remember Our First Three Years :(

After recently reading a scientific based article about how childhood memory fades (link on my Facebook page) I started thinking about all of the wonderful things that my son does right now that he will have absolutely no recollection of, fading even as soon as the next four years or so.  It made me realize that we owe it to our children to not only track all of their milestones, but also their personality and the things that they do so that, in the future, they'll have an even better understanding of what made them who they are.  Toddlers, despite having a bad rap (terrible two's, threenager) they do some pretty awesome things during these extremely developmentally dense years.

So this blog post is dedicated to my little guy and the top 10 adorable awesome things that he does that I don't want to forget, but more importantly, I want him to know about. Of course am working on getting video footage of all of them, and you should too! Photos could never do these things justice. (Of course there are more than 10 adorable things, but these are my absolute favorites)

1. I want to always remember how my son shows excitement through his entire body.  When he is happy about something, he screams with such joy and echoes that feeling stomping both his feet very quickly. There is no second guessing that he is thrilled about what just happened or is about to occur.

2. When my son gives hugs he started saying "baby baby," so now that is the term we use for requesting them, ie "Can I have a baby baby?" He will then wrap his arms around our neck and say "baby baby" in the most adorable voice. I will be very sad when he no longer does this.

3. When my son doesn't like what someone else is doing, whether he knows them or not, he will tell them "no no" while shaking his forefinger.  He will do this to our dog, our cat, and other animals out in the world, as well as other children and adults. I am not quite sure why he doesn't like what they are doing sometimes, as it isn't always affecting him, but perhaps he just likes to maintain some sense of control of the situation.

4. When my little guy says a new word for the first time he will out of the blue repeat something that we've said, and it's absolutely no big deal to him. However, when we ask him to repeat the word after that, he usually won't.  Similarly, I love the way my son says certain words. Anyone outside our immediate family would have no idea what he is saying, but we understand his dialect and its ever changing nature certainly keeps us on our toes.

5. My son loves to run around holding up his diaper on either side. I have absolutely no idea how this started, but he gets a kick out of it, as so do we, quite possibly why he keeps doing it.  He'll also sometimes squat a little and make it more of a "duck walk."  He loves to do this while chasing me playing "Hide & Seek." For some reason he loves having me hide and startle him when he comes around looking for me.

6. I love how my son loves to sing while playing any musical instrument.  He yells "la la la" loudly while he plays his xylophone, tub piano, or anything else he can get his hands on.

7. The way my son will "cheese" for the camera is so adorable. If I ever want to get a photo of him smiling, the last thing I can say is "smile" because he will lift his head up, squint his eyes, and throw on the biggest, silliest grin you could ever imagine.

8. I think the way my son eats, both with his hands and with utensils, is so cute, especially when it's a food he loves. It's difficult to get this one on camera because as soon as I bring it out to film, he notices and poses.

9. The way my son absolutely loves our cat, even though she would prefer to have nothing to do with him, is so charming. He started signing "cat" not all that long ago, but more recently says "meow" as he does the sign.  Sometimes he pinches a little part of his cheek and says meow quietly, while other times he'll pinch a big piece of his cheek and say "meow" very loudly.  He'll walk up to the sleeping cat and make kissing sounds throughout the day.

10. Sometimes my son just wants to snuggle up in our bed. He will lay down on the pillows and pull the blankets up over himself. He may not even be tired or want to rest, it's just comfortable for him.

What are some of the adorable things your little one does or did that you don't ever want to forget? Do your best to capture it on film.  You owe it to your little one. As much joy as these things bring you, it will bring them even more being able to watch it years from now.  A number 11 for me could be watching my son enjoy watching himself in the videos we've already taken of him. We ask him who is in the video and he points to himself and says "me."  We even have videos of him watching videos of himself. Equally as adorable.

Photos vs. Video for Documenting & Tracking Baby's Progress

Despite the fact that we all carry pretty high quality video cameras with us at all times, parents still seem to rely on photos for the majority of their documentation of their little ones.  Sure they'll capture a bunch of videos here and there, but when it comes to either hiring a professional or putting it all together to create a time capsule of sorts, they usually turn to photographers and or create scapbooks.  Perhaps this is the case because it's easier to create a photo book than it is to edit a video together, especially with all of the online companies that have such cute templates, or maybe parents are just so used to newborn and maternity photo shoots that they don't think about professional video in the same way.

Earlier this month I had the pleasure of sponsoring the Biggest Baby Shower Los Angeles with Big City Moms.  I set up a table like all of the other vendors, and even had a video looping some of the Video Baby Books I've shot.  I also spread out some of the photobooks I have created for my little guy, including the guestbook we had for his first birthday party, a hybrid first year baby book and guestbook for our friends and relatives that attended the party.  Despite the fact that people enjoyed watching the videos, many still seemed more interested in having me help them to create their photo scrap books.  I proceeded to ask them if they are capturing their own videos, which they are, but they still didn't seem to get why creating a video montage ultimately will be so much more powerful of a memory for themselves, and eventually their little one.

My hairdresser reaffirmed my point of view the other day when she told me that her most prized possession is a video she has of herself with her parents at nine months old.  Sure a photo from that same time period could be a great memory and could have captured some special moments, but it would lack the audio that can further communicate feelings and emotions. In addition, a lot of photos are posed, and therefore lack some reality behind the interactions.  Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love looking at professional newborn photos. I wish that we had done a shoot ourselves.  However, I would love even more seeing a new mom watching her little one be posed in all of the cute positions and set up with props and wardrobe options.  I would empathize with her doing her best to comfort and nurse her baby back to a sleepy state in between clicks of the camera in order to get the timeless shots she so desires.

The newborn cry that seemed to be so ingrained in my head during the early days with my little guy really does fade away.  It's only through watching the videos I took during that early time that I can truly remember not only his sound, but how that sound made me feel as a new mom doing everything I could every time I heard it. I definitely "ooo" and "aww" over photos from those early days, but hearing my voice in the videos really brings me back to that sleep deprived time when I was just getting to know my son.

There is no contest when it comes to video over photos of most milestones.  I do tell parents that they shouldn't be so concerned with capturing every first, as the second, third, and even fourth time baby does something it will look pretty similar.  We have very early footage of my son sleeping and making some very funny faces. I am so glad we thought to film it.  Early video footage of my son learning to roll over not only captures his progress, but the pride and joy in my voice as I watch him get closer and closer to accomplishing it. Hearing my son belly laugh for the first time has to be one of my most favorite sounds in the whole world.  Sure I could have taken a picture when this event happened, but my reaction to him will be something he will treasure as well.  His wobble legs slowly taking one step and then another without holding on to anything could never be duplicated in a single still frame. A slide show of photos tracking development is fun to watch, but the one year montage I created for my son of his first year of life really shows all of the little developments as they occur and how we, his parents, grew more proud with each one he accomplished.

Perhaps I'm just a biased filmmaker that I tend to prefer video over photography. But I truly do believe that when my son grows up, he will treasure the time capsules I have made for him in his Video Baby Book.

Dedicated To All the Pregnant Mommies Out There...

aka "I Wish I Knew Then What I Know Now"

With recently finding out a couple people in my life are expecting, it got me thinking that I should do a post dedicated to that amazing time that sometimes doesn't feel all that amazing. Don't worry, this isn't going to be a post about telling you to "get sleep while you can" or "enjoy your down time" or even "you think you're busy now..."  It's more about taking the time to really track what's going on with you physically and emotionally because it is such an important part of the process of bringing a new life into this world.  You may want to go back to your notes during subsequent pregnancies to remind yourself when certain changes occurred or maybe how long your nausea lasted. Or you may have friends or family who get pregnant after you who will want to compare notes.  Either way, you'll want to keep track because in those LONG nine months, believe it or not, every week, sometimes every day, is different.

First and foremost: those dreaded weekly profile pictures.  You may not feel like you're showing much in the beginning, but it will be nice to be able to track the changes when looking back. Take profile photos in the same location every time and try to wear something similar.  If there is something in the frame that can give you perspective of your bump size, that would be ideal.  I unfortunately only had "selfies," and they were taken all over the place. I didn't even take them every week, despite my sister telling me I would regret it if I didn't.  In subsequent pregnancies you will show sooner, so it would be nice to be able to have a record to compare to. Your little one will enjoy getting see themselves growing inside your belly years down the road.

As soon as you feel ready, do some journal entries about your feelings.  I know that sometimes it's hard to get excited about a pregnancy early on, especially if you're like me and miscarried before.  But even without getting excited, you can take note of how you are feeling about what is going on inside your body. Even writing about being scared can be good. Acknowledging your fears and doubt will help you deal with those feelings better. Stress and anxiety are worse if kept bottled up inside.  As you get further along and do start to get excited about your child coming into the world, start writing notes to him or her. Let your child know how you felt about them even before you've met. It will be a wonderful gift to share years down the road.

Another kind of journal entries to do are the ones tracking your symptoms.  Some days I would have the strangest feelings and would immediately go to the internet to check whether it was normal or not. Of course there really is no "normal" in pregnancy, everyone is different and every pregnancy is different even for the same person.  But looking back, I do wish I tracked when those things happened.  I remember I went through a week or two where my belly button was so sore.  I don't know when that was, maybe the second trimester? Early on, again not sure when, I had such pain in my abs, it was like I did two hundred crunches, but yet I hadn't been to the gym in at least a month. If I do go through pregnancy again, I wish I had written down when those different changes had occurred.  In addition, track when you start feeling kicks, when you are able to feel and see kicks from the outside, when your little one gets the hiccups and how often. Believe it or not, those memories do start to fade pretty quickly once your baby arrives.

Whether you have regular ultrasounds or just get to hear the heartbeat every so often, get video footage of it.  If it's an ultrasound and you have someone at the appointment with you, film the ultrasound with one camera phone, and get your reaction to it with another camera phone. You can always synch and edit them together later. Footage of you hearing your little one's heartbeat for the first time is priceless and you don't want to miss it.

And finally, if you have the budget for it or find someone looking to build their portfolio and will give you a good deal, get maternity photos taken. Do some searching on the internet for some ideas of poses and locations you like so you can present them to your photographer.  I wasn't really feeling up to doing a photo shoot the day we did ours, but I am so glad that we got those shots.  There are a set of pictures that he took candidly when my son was kicking and our reactions are full of such joy.

I know that some days the morning sickness and lethargy seem unbearable and you feel like you could never go through this again, but let me tell you, although you don't forget the horrible feelings of pregnancy after you go through it, you do realize how totally worth it it is and you are so willing to deal with it again for the amazing reward you get for going through it.

Looking forward is great, but slow down, there will be a last time for everything

Last night I had the pleasure of giving a Time Capsule Event for a lovely group of mommies. During my educational presentation while I was talking about milestones and looking forward to the next ones our babies will accomplish, I started to think about the converse...things he's doing now won't last forever, there will be a last time for everything.  Although slightly off topic from my usual posts, I thought I'd share some of these things with you in the hopes that you'll cherish each and everything just a little bit more.

Of course I'm looking forward to when my son can put himself to sleep and finally sleep through the night, but that means he'll no longer need me to nurse him back to sleep. There already was a last time we co-slept in his swaddle. Soon there will be a last time he latches on and falls asleep on me.

I am looking forward to when my son can bathe himself. But that means I'll no longer get to watch him experience the simple joy in playing the water after his bath has finished.  There already was a last time he bathed in the little bathtub sitting over the sink. Soon there will be a last time he sticks his head under the running water and giggles at how it feels.

It will be nice when my son will be able to feed himself, but that means we'll no longer be able to make him do "tricks" for food. Right now he makes the cutest impression of a monkey when he wants to eat his baked peas from Trader Joe's.  He already doesn't need me to make all of his food pureed, but pretty soon there will be a last time when he will no use his chubby little finger to point to the different things he wants to eat off of my plate.

It sure will be less worrisome when my son stops tripping and falling almost every time he gets excited and runs, but that means he'll no longer need me to pick him back up again and kiss his boo-boos. He already walks ahead of me at the park and goes to the different equipment he wants to play on.  Pretty soon he won't look for my hand to grab to help him go up steps, and there will be a last time when he will want to sit on my lap to go down the big kid slide.

There will be a last time when he will allow me to kiss him in public, there will be a last time when he signs "Momma" or "Dadda" with such a sparkle in his eyes, there will come a time when he will no longer think of my husband and I as his entire universe. I know that we gave him life so that he will have a life. But I really want to look at all of the things he's doing right now, both difficult and wonderful, and cherish them just a little bit more, because there will be a last time for everything.

Take the time to capture everything.  For more ideas go to videobabybooks.com or check out previous posts in my blog.

Capturing Important Moments Past the First Year

If you take a look at any Baby Book that is supposed to help you to document the first three to five years of life, you'll notice that the majority of the book is dedicated to the first year, about three quarters in fact.  Of course there is quite a bit of space dedicated to thoughts about baby before the arrival, and the birth story is pretty significant, but from that perspective, it's easy to assume that the milestones in the first year are actually the most important: smiling, laughing, rolling over, sitting up, waving, standing, and possibly walking.  However, our children actually change significantly in the first couple of years and it is just as important to track that progress as well, not just for you to reminisce, but for your pediatrician to track progress, and for your children to look back on in the future.

My earliest memories are probably from around the time I was four or five.  At this point, I'm not really sure if they are actual memories, or if my head is just filling in blanks between the stories I have been told about that time.  Regardless, anything between birth and three years old just does not exist for me, except in faded pictures in dusty albums.  But my second and third years of life were a very special time: I got better with walking, I learned to run and climb, I got a mouth full of teeth, I learned to talk, I further developed my personality, I learned to process thoughts and express my emotions, I made friends, I gained independence, and overall became a very big communicator.

Just because the milestones during this time are not as obvious on the surface, they are just as important when it comes to remembering your little toddler who all too soon will be attending kindergarten.  They are also important for your pediatrician to track your toddler's progress.  Most of the milestones are more mental than physical, although getting better with fine motor skills is part of the growing process after the first year.  You should still track basic physical growth, ie height, weight, and head circumference, but more importantly, you need to pay attention to the more subtle changes your little one is going through. Keep in mind that these milestones come at less specific times, there are ranges of a few months that dictate when certain developments should occur by.

So how does one go about capturing these important and less than obvious milestones? Be ready to capture seemingly mundane moments at any time. Most of use are attached to our cell phones anyway, take advantage of it.  When you notice your little one focusing on something very intently that they seemed to overlook just yesterday, discretely grab your phone and film.  But make sure you film them from their perspective--that means getting down on their level physically. When your little guy or girl starts to get fussy because he or she wants to do something themselves that they once needed your help for, try to capture it on film. In the early stages of communicating, you'll notice that random sounds start to come together like a conversation, even though the sounds do not make any sense. Continue this conversation with your little one as your start to film.  Your toddler will start to follow simple directions and these "tricks" will be wonderful memories when caught on film.  Another important milestone to capture at this time is your little one interacting with other toddlers or kids. These precious moments truly will be priceless.  And just as important, when you and your child are having a special moment that just melts your heart, get it on film. Try to make sure you include your voice in the interaction and if you can include yourself visually, all the better.

Overall, don't be too concerned about capturing the milestones the very first time that they happen. The second, third, or fourth time will probably look and sound just the same. The very best way to keep track of changes is to make it a point to jot down notes somewhere (I prefer my notes app on my phone) of what your toddler is up to every month on their birth date.  That way, before you start to write, you can remind yourself of the new developments the previous month and know just what is new the current month.  I try to divide my observations into physical changes and developments, eating habits, communication developments, sleeping habits, and just cute events I will want him to know happened during that past month.  Once you've reminded yourself of that months developments, you can make it a point to film some or all of them the next time your see your little guy or girl showcase that new skill or part of his or her personality.

Most parents like to make it a point to get photos of their child every year on their birthday. I recommend capturing video of your child at least once a month and do your best to alternate who takes the video so the same person isn't always behind the camera.  Or hire a family videographer to help out. For more ideas and examples, you can go to my website at: www.videobabybooks.com