Shoemaker Without Shoes This Time Around

It's definitely been a long year of hurt, healing, acceptance and moving on.  Being able to finally bring myself to write down my feelings and share about my missed miscarriage last year was difficult, but definitely much easier to write about than it would have been six months ago.  But an unexpected difficulty came out of that experience as well, and that has been finding the courage to document this little rainbow I'm now carrying. I knew that I wanted to try again as soon as possible and was given the go ahead a month after the loss. But the fear of another miscarriage stayed with me more than after my first loss.

Last year I wrote about my feelings when I first found out I was expecting, I tracked my feelings as I shared the news and I took regular bump photos.  However, when I was fortunate enough to see that second line on July 6th, 2017, I quietly went to sleep and kept the news all to myself.  Would I be devastated again? How could I handle another loss?  It took five months to get pregnant last time, seven months this time, how long would it take again if this one didn't work out? How would I feel if I didn't see a little heartbeat at the first appointment? Instead of thinking about all the amazing things that were about to happen, I was already preparing myself for all the negative things that could happen, and therefore not allowing myself to be excited, which led to not feeling like documenting my thoughts. Somehow writing about my fears would make them more of a reality. Or conversely, writing about my excitement would only make it worse if it didn't work out.

Because my son was the first to learn of my loss last time and he didn't even know that I was pregnant to begin with, I decided to share the hopeful news with him early on and capture it on video.  One of my favorite parts of that video is him saying with such excitement in his voice "what if it works this time?" Even my four year old understood my trepidation. I shared the news with my husband by showing him that video. I told him that I didn't want to tell anyone, not until at least seeing a viable pregnancy. But then after seeing a heartbeat at 8 weeks, I still didn't want to share the news. I would wait until the results from my NIPT (non-invasive prenatal test).

I think nature plays a cruel joke on us preggos by causing so many horrible first trimester symptoms (especially at 40), all while you feel like you can't tell anyone why, especially after experiencing a loss, or in my case, two losses. I was hesitant to write out my feelings along the way, even though with each passing day of symptoms getting stronger, I had a strange feeling that everything was going to work out fine.  I don't remember that inkling of optimism last year.  So eventually I took a bump photo here and there, but refused to move into maternity clothes until it was absolutely necessary. I continued to hide my symptoms and exciting news from everyone, except my chiropractor, acupuncturist, and dentist (all for obvious reasons).  On a side note, I really feel like this pregnancy was helped to fruition by regularly seeing my chiropractor and acupuncturist, complemented by herbs and consciously trying to reduce my stress.

One thing I felt badly for not capturing with X's pregnancy was a gender reveal video. My husband and went for an elective 3D ultrasound at 13 weeks because we really wanted to know.  Our reactions aren't on video and after creating video baby books for clients that had this special moment, I knew I wanted one for this rainbow.  Despite the fact that I was still in my first trimester, we set up my "real" camera on a tripod and filmed ourselves biting into cupcakes with blue icing for our own little gender reveal, since no one else knew our news yet.

After the 12 week nuchal translucency scan combined with the favorable results from my NIPT, I knew it was finally time to spill the beans, at least to immediate family anyway. We captured video of sharing with both sets of grandparents in person (both of which had to have my big reveal t-shirt explained--clearly being vague is not the way to go if you want an immediate reaction).  I made a transfer of the image below and ironed it onto the back of my son's Batman t-shirt.  They thought it was a movie coming out next year??

I've also captured other family members reactions on film as well.  And now ss I've started to obviously show, I can't really keep the news to myself anymore.  Hopefully the few videos I've made and the journal entries I am finally getting to, will make up for my lack of documentation through the first half of this pregnancy. My little rainbow will have to forgive Mama, pregnancy hormones are crazy things! 20 weeks down, 20 to go!

New Year's Resolutions From Another Perspective

Every time New Year's comes around, my Facebook news feed is flooded with resolutions about everything under the sun.  Some people write about how they plan to better document time with their families.  I understand that documenting your little ones can get overwhelming, but it is extremely important to do so. I cannot stress that enough.  I started thinking about what I may do differently the next time around, but then wondered, what if there isn't a "next time around?" What if my little guy is the only addition we're going to have? What would I have done differently had I known from the get go that this was going to be the only time I would experience all of this?

I definitely would have documented my pregnancy more, that's for sure.  I saw pregnancy journals online and in bookstores and wondered at the time why I would want or need to track the changes I was going through, the cravings I was having, and the emotional roller coaster I was on.  If I am lucky enough to go through this again, I don't even think I would have the time to do this with chasing my little guy around. Your first pregnancy really is the best time to focus on yourself and what your body is going through.  I definitely didn't appreciate that I could nap if I needed to. It was such a surreal experience to grow a human for what seemed like nine interminable months, but now it all seems like such a distant memory that went by so quickly.  If I never get to go through it again, I am definitely saddened that I can't recall so many of the details that were such a huge part of those awe inspiring nine months.

Additionally, having had the opportunity to create prenatal chapters for some clients' video baby books, it has made me realize that wish I had captured my husbands reaction when I told him we were expecting.  I wish I could have captured other family and friends on camera when we shared the news.  I also wish we had done a creative gender reveal video. If there is a next time, I will have to make something unforgettable, and it will be, because it will be captured on film.  If I don't get to have my "next time," I hope my video baby book business helps others not have this same regret.

If I knew I wasn't going to have another child, I would have hired a birth photographer and videographer. Labor was so intense, but also so amazing, beautiful, and inspiring, that I really wish I had better documentation of the day.  I definitely also wish I had written out my birth story in more detail closer to the day I had given birth.  Waiting until a month afterwards I think some of the details got fuzzy.  Having had the opportunity to interview brand new moms and document their birth stories for them makes me realize just how much I have already forgotten.  As much as I wanted my husband to turn off his helmet cam because I thought I'd never want to see myself going through that experience, I am so glad I have at least that to remember the most beautiful day of my entire life. 

If I knew my munchkin was going to be the only squishy baby that I would ever have, I would have done a professional newborn shoot.  I love seeing everyone's adorable shots with props and wardrobe, but now that I have had the opportunity to be behind-the-scenes of some of these shoots, I cannot get over how undeniably precious those photographs are. Knowing that the best newborn photo shoots take place within ten days of birth, that newborn "look" is gone in an second when most don't even realize they've missed it.

If I knew that my little guy would be the only newborn I would get to experience, I definitely would have tried harder to enjoy the newborn stage. I know it's really hard for new parents to find joy in the sleepless nights and zombie-like days filled with worry, doubt, fear and confusion. But watching a new life learn about the world on the outside from such an innocent and unaltered perspective is truly inspiring. I remember an extra speedy grocery shopping trip with him in the early weeks and someone commented to me that she missed the "newborn cry." At that moment I thought she was crazy. That cry was making me crazy at the time. But now I understand, and I miss it too.

So in 2015 my resolution is to unplug more, appreciate each little milestone my son accomplishes, take the time to mourn the passing of previous stages, and document everything as much as possible for myself and for him.  This very well may be my only opportunity to capture a two year old and all his silliness and mispronunciations, and I'm not going to miss it.

Dedicated To All the Pregnant Mommies Out There...

aka "I Wish I Knew Then What I Know Now"

With recently finding out a couple people in my life are expecting, it got me thinking that I should do a post dedicated to that amazing time that sometimes doesn't feel all that amazing. Don't worry, this isn't going to be a post about telling you to "get sleep while you can" or "enjoy your down time" or even "you think you're busy now..."  It's more about taking the time to really track what's going on with you physically and emotionally because it is such an important part of the process of bringing a new life into this world.  You may want to go back to your notes during subsequent pregnancies to remind yourself when certain changes occurred or maybe how long your nausea lasted. Or you may have friends or family who get pregnant after you who will want to compare notes.  Either way, you'll want to keep track because in those LONG nine months, believe it or not, every week, sometimes every day, is different.

First and foremost: those dreaded weekly profile pictures.  You may not feel like you're showing much in the beginning, but it will be nice to be able to track the changes when looking back. Take profile photos in the same location every time and try to wear something similar.  If there is something in the frame that can give you perspective of your bump size, that would be ideal.  I unfortunately only had "selfies," and they were taken all over the place. I didn't even take them every week, despite my sister telling me I would regret it if I didn't.  In subsequent pregnancies you will show sooner, so it would be nice to be able to have a record to compare to. Your little one will enjoy getting see themselves growing inside your belly years down the road.

As soon as you feel ready, do some journal entries about your feelings.  I know that sometimes it's hard to get excited about a pregnancy early on, especially if you're like me and miscarried before.  But even without getting excited, you can take note of how you are feeling about what is going on inside your body. Even writing about being scared can be good. Acknowledging your fears and doubt will help you deal with those feelings better. Stress and anxiety are worse if kept bottled up inside.  As you get further along and do start to get excited about your child coming into the world, start writing notes to him or her. Let your child know how you felt about them even before you've met. It will be a wonderful gift to share years down the road.

Another kind of journal entries to do are the ones tracking your symptoms.  Some days I would have the strangest feelings and would immediately go to the internet to check whether it was normal or not. Of course there really is no "normal" in pregnancy, everyone is different and every pregnancy is different even for the same person.  But looking back, I do wish I tracked when those things happened.  I remember I went through a week or two where my belly button was so sore.  I don't know when that was, maybe the second trimester? Early on, again not sure when, I had such pain in my abs, it was like I did two hundred crunches, but yet I hadn't been to the gym in at least a month. If I do go through pregnancy again, I wish I had written down when those different changes had occurred.  In addition, track when you start feeling kicks, when you are able to feel and see kicks from the outside, when your little one gets the hiccups and how often. Believe it or not, those memories do start to fade pretty quickly once your baby arrives.

Whether you have regular ultrasounds or just get to hear the heartbeat every so often, get video footage of it.  If it's an ultrasound and you have someone at the appointment with you, film the ultrasound with one camera phone, and get your reaction to it with another camera phone. You can always synch and edit them together later. Footage of you hearing your little one's heartbeat for the first time is priceless and you don't want to miss it.

And finally, if you have the budget for it or find someone looking to build their portfolio and will give you a good deal, get maternity photos taken. Do some searching on the internet for some ideas of poses and locations you like so you can present them to your photographer.  I wasn't really feeling up to doing a photo shoot the day we did ours, but I am so glad that we got those shots.  There are a set of pictures that he took candidly when my son was kicking and our reactions are full of such joy.

I know that some days the morning sickness and lethargy seem unbearable and you feel like you could never go through this again, but let me tell you, although you don't forget the horrible feelings of pregnancy after you go through it, you do realize how totally worth it it is and you are so willing to deal with it again for the amazing reward you get for going through it.